CHAPTER FIVE
"So tell me."
"Not here. Outside."
Ten minutes later, we were leaning against my car. Stone was munching on a roast beef sandwich. I took a big gulp of soda, bit the bullet and blurted it out. "I'm gay."
Donny choked on his sandwich and looked at me in horror. He wheezed and coughed with a hand in the air until he could yell, "What the fuck?"
"Dude, please don't be like this."
"How the hell should I be? We've been friends since fourth grade and suddenly you're…" He shook his head slowly. "You've been lying to me this whole time, haven't you? Have you ever even screwed a girl before?"
"Of course I have. I thought I was bi, but it's been more one way than the other lately. I didn't wake up this morning and turn gay."
"You're like a brother, man. Why the hell didn't you tell me? I would've understood."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe you would have been cool about it, but what about the other guys? How do you think they'd handle the news? Look at how they treat Max—like a fucking leper."
"Holbrook?" Stone laughed. "The fag factor isn't the only thing wrong with him."
I was livid. "Fag factor? Wrong?"
He realized his mistake and back-pedaled. "I didn't mean it like that. You're my best friend. Of course I don't think you're wrong."
"But Max is?"
Donny was flushed with anger. "Oh, so you're all righteous now, huh? What about all the shit that you've given him?"
"Yeah, I have been horrible to him. I think it was more about fear, though. I apologized to him this morning."
"I bet that made his day. He crushin' on you now?"
I'd passed my breaking point. "Fuck you. This is exactly why I didn't tell you."
My best friend sneered and said, "'Scuse me for being freaked out that my best friend's a homo."
"No way!" said a breathless voice behind me. I turned around and saw Steve, the catcher, standing behind me, mouth gaping. I wanted to throw up. I'd been outed. Now that Steve knew, it was only a matter of time before the whole school knew. He took off running, pulling his phone out of his pocket at the same time.
Fighting back tears, I glared at Donny. He looked genuinely upset. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell him."
"Whatever," I mumbled, with no more strength left to be pissed. I walked back into the school, already hearing snickering and laughing in the halls.
The deserted bathroom on the third floor seemed like a good place to hide. Hardly anyone ever went up there. I sat on the toilet in the last stall and sobbed. I hadn't told my parents about my sexual preferences, and I'm sure it would get back to Mom before I got home from school. I was completely fucked.
Michael and Philip appeared next to me. I went off on them. "This is all your fault! If you'd just left me where I was…"
"You came out to your parents right after you graduated, so why are you so angry?" Philip asked.
"Because the whole school knows!" I yelled. "I was never out to anyone from high school. That's why I went to college half-way across the country. Everyone's already laughing out there. I can't do this. Take me back up there. It's too hard to be an angel."
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened with a loud squeak, and my heavenly guests vanished. I prepared myself for a bashing, figuring that the jocks were going to be gunning for me, but only one person came into the room before the door banged shut.
"Trace? You okay?"
I knew the voice at once. It was Max. I couldn't talk to him at that point, so I sniffled and said, "I'm fine, thanks. I'll…be okay."
The sound of digging through a backpack echoed off the tiled walls, and then a small piece of paper was shoved under the door. "Here's my number. And I'm not hitting on you. I only want to help if I can."
"Yeah. Thanks, Max, but I just want to be alone right now."
Max said softly, "I did, too. Just don't stay alone too long. And I'm sorry for being such a jerk earlier. I slammed you when you didn't deserve it. So, I'll see ya later."
"Thanks," I mumbled.
I skipped the rest of my classes and went home. It would be another three hours until my mother got home from volunteering at the hospital. The seconds ticked by so slowly that I almost went insane until finally, I heard the kitchen door open.
"Trace?"
"Yeah?" I replied quietly. I wasn't sure if she'd heard my news already from a friend or nosy neighbor, so I played dumb.
"Why aren't you at practice?" she called.
"Oh. I…uh…I'm not feeling well."
My father got home around five. When his car pulled in the driveway, I rushed to my window. I hadn't seen Dad in twenty years and I tried to play it cool, but I couldn't. I raced downstairs and burst into the kitchen as soon as he stepped through the door.
"Dad!" I cried.
He was startled when I threw my arms around him and squeezed. My mother yelped. "What's wrong with you today?"
I cleared my throat and let my father go. He raised one eyebrow and took a step back from me. "Get hit in the head, sport? How was practice?"
"I, uh, didn't go."
Mom put her hands on her hips. "Well you look better now—" The telephone cut her off and she looked at the number. "Oh, it's Steven's mother. I wonder what she wants."
Oh. Shit. That bastard had taken no time to spread the news about me even to his mother. I mumbled an excuse and went up to my room.
Fifteen minutes later, my father called up, "Trace? Come down here, please."
"Not here. Outside."
Ten minutes later, we were leaning against my car. Stone was munching on a roast beef sandwich. I took a big gulp of soda, bit the bullet and blurted it out. "I'm gay."
Donny choked on his sandwich and looked at me in horror. He wheezed and coughed with a hand in the air until he could yell, "What the fuck?"
"Dude, please don't be like this."
"How the hell should I be? We've been friends since fourth grade and suddenly you're…" He shook his head slowly. "You've been lying to me this whole time, haven't you? Have you ever even screwed a girl before?"
"Of course I have. I thought I was bi, but it's been more one way than the other lately. I didn't wake up this morning and turn gay."
"You're like a brother, man. Why the hell didn't you tell me? I would've understood."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe you would have been cool about it, but what about the other guys? How do you think they'd handle the news? Look at how they treat Max—like a fucking leper."
"Holbrook?" Stone laughed. "The fag factor isn't the only thing wrong with him."
I was livid. "Fag factor? Wrong?"
He realized his mistake and back-pedaled. "I didn't mean it like that. You're my best friend. Of course I don't think you're wrong."
"But Max is?"
Donny was flushed with anger. "Oh, so you're all righteous now, huh? What about all the shit that you've given him?"
"Yeah, I have been horrible to him. I think it was more about fear, though. I apologized to him this morning."
"I bet that made his day. He crushin' on you now?"
I'd passed my breaking point. "Fuck you. This is exactly why I didn't tell you."
My best friend sneered and said, "'Scuse me for being freaked out that my best friend's a homo."
"No way!" said a breathless voice behind me. I turned around and saw Steve, the catcher, standing behind me, mouth gaping. I wanted to throw up. I'd been outed. Now that Steve knew, it was only a matter of time before the whole school knew. He took off running, pulling his phone out of his pocket at the same time.
Fighting back tears, I glared at Donny. He looked genuinely upset. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell him."
"Whatever," I mumbled, with no more strength left to be pissed. I walked back into the school, already hearing snickering and laughing in the halls.
The deserted bathroom on the third floor seemed like a good place to hide. Hardly anyone ever went up there. I sat on the toilet in the last stall and sobbed. I hadn't told my parents about my sexual preferences, and I'm sure it would get back to Mom before I got home from school. I was completely fucked.
Michael and Philip appeared next to me. I went off on them. "This is all your fault! If you'd just left me where I was…"
"You came out to your parents right after you graduated, so why are you so angry?" Philip asked.
"Because the whole school knows!" I yelled. "I was never out to anyone from high school. That's why I went to college half-way across the country. Everyone's already laughing out there. I can't do this. Take me back up there. It's too hard to be an angel."
Suddenly, the bathroom door opened with a loud squeak, and my heavenly guests vanished. I prepared myself for a bashing, figuring that the jocks were going to be gunning for me, but only one person came into the room before the door banged shut.
"Trace? You okay?"
I knew the voice at once. It was Max. I couldn't talk to him at that point, so I sniffled and said, "I'm fine, thanks. I'll…be okay."
The sound of digging through a backpack echoed off the tiled walls, and then a small piece of paper was shoved under the door. "Here's my number. And I'm not hitting on you. I only want to help if I can."
"Yeah. Thanks, Max, but I just want to be alone right now."
Max said softly, "I did, too. Just don't stay alone too long. And I'm sorry for being such a jerk earlier. I slammed you when you didn't deserve it. So, I'll see ya later."
"Thanks," I mumbled.
I skipped the rest of my classes and went home. It would be another three hours until my mother got home from volunteering at the hospital. The seconds ticked by so slowly that I almost went insane until finally, I heard the kitchen door open.
"Trace?"
"Yeah?" I replied quietly. I wasn't sure if she'd heard my news already from a friend or nosy neighbor, so I played dumb.
"Why aren't you at practice?" she called.
"Oh. I…uh…I'm not feeling well."
My father got home around five. When his car pulled in the driveway, I rushed to my window. I hadn't seen Dad in twenty years and I tried to play it cool, but I couldn't. I raced downstairs and burst into the kitchen as soon as he stepped through the door.
"Dad!" I cried.
He was startled when I threw my arms around him and squeezed. My mother yelped. "What's wrong with you today?"
I cleared my throat and let my father go. He raised one eyebrow and took a step back from me. "Get hit in the head, sport? How was practice?"
"I, uh, didn't go."
Mom put her hands on her hips. "Well you look better now—" The telephone cut her off and she looked at the number. "Oh, it's Steven's mother. I wonder what she wants."
Oh. Shit. That bastard had taken no time to spread the news about me even to his mother. I mumbled an excuse and went up to my room.
Fifteen minutes later, my father called up, "Trace? Come down here, please."
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